Dismantle Me
by courting.disaster
Summary: My attempt at avoiding studying. Angsty Spencey, and a brief encounter. See if you like.


_**Dismantle Me**_

**So, I was sitting at my desk, desperately avoiding studying, when this spew of words ended up on my screen. Not too sure where it's heading or if it is heading anywhere at all. Really, I'm just trying to figure some things out. **

**Thanks for listening. Much appreciated.**

_..._

This was never meant to last. I knew it from the moment we touched. The second her magnetic personality set its goals on me. Why me?? Personally, I think I was destined to be a notch on her belt.

I would have given her anything. If she wanted something I didn't have, I would have found a way to get it for her. But she settled for all of me. Not much, if you ask me. I mean, I was willing to lie, cheat, steal to keep her with me. In any form she'd let me. What kind of person does that make me??

For all my promises, all she wanted was me. That should have been my first clue. The first glimpse of the pain she'd cause me. The emptiness she would bury inside me and let loose when she left.

...

_I walked into the store. The book store, the place where I could hide from the expectations that lingered in all corners of my life. My parents, friends, family, teachers, random strangers that would hold my eye a few seconds too long as they passed me by. I knew what they were thinking. The disappointments they were voicing with their glance. My disappointments. Everyone, everywhere could sense my failings. It was that plain. I was the ache and pain that kept my parents' love focused on my other siblings. I strive for their blissful ignorance. I don't think they how much they give into my wishes._

_She was there, ordering some caffiene filled drink that would cost too much and wear off too fast. I think sex is a better pill. Moving on. _

_She turned. She saw me. Not me though. The openly gawking nerd that was present whenever I fell into deep thought._

_My name is Spencer Carlin and I have a problem. I sometimes don't realize that I leave reality and enter into my own thoughts. Usually, it isn't until someone is strangely waiting for a reply to a question I didn't hear or an introduction that I didn't know was required that I realize I was lost in my mind. My mind has a way of pulling me out of the world. I think it just likes embarrassing me in public._

_Lost in my thoughts and not realizing that I was standing next to the add-ins counter, my heart began to stutter as she closed in on me. I fell. Not literally. Emotionally, fell. For her. I was hers. As she zeroed in on my position, she could sense it. The glance we held told it all. I was never one for words or gestures. Just looks and feelings. In the few seconds she held my eyes, she had me. Entirely. God, help me._

_Fuck that. You put me in this situation. No help from you God, you put me in this mess. I'll deal with it myself._

_As she grabbed the sugar and removed the lid, I did something that I never thought I'd do again. I opened my mouth and propositioned a stranger. Memories. _

_"Excuse me," was my weak introduction._

_"Hello." She turned towards me, not stopping the sugar from spilling into her cup._

_"Hi." I'm stuck in awkward mode. Geez._

_"Hi." She smiled, being polite._

_"Hi." Please, someone jump me. Strike me in the face. End this tragic encounter._

_"Let's go to my place." Ok, so she propositioned me. Minor detail._

_She took me home. I couldn't resist. No words were exchanged. No need, honestly. The way she felt when I touched her. The noises that escaped her gorgeous, perfect lips were all I needed. Everything that let me know she felt it too. That she needed it as well. _

_We fucked. It was our way of showing our need. It wasn't making love when you so desperately needed everything from that person. I needed her, everywhere. I had been void of feelings for so long that in order to feel anything, it had to be fucking. On the border of pain and pleasure. A duality that rarely ever found a balance in my life._

_She left while I slept. She stole my heart away in the middle of the night. Leaving her half empty coffee cup on the nightstand. And my dignity at the foot of the bed. She branded me, forever._

_When I look back on it, I realize now._

She broke me that night, dismantled me. Stole a piece of me that I needed in order to repair. I am now the pathetic, taped remains of a shattered person. Broken.

____

**So, like I said, this was just a random thought while I neglected by textbooks one Sunday night. Good, bad, or just plain ridiculous??? Let me know :)**


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